After writing Twerk Friday, I became conflicted once again with the inner turmoil of my personal Censor. Usually, I have a ‘no fucks given’ position on life outside of the digital mind. After dealing with, and eventually leaving the gaijin gyaru scene, I’ve been triple guessing myself over my social media presence. I get a lot of anxiety over it.
Sometimes, I just want to share something funny that my husband says, or share a photo of my children sitting peaceful (a rare moment). But once I start setting up the post or tweet, I feel like I’m going to destroy all of the good I’ve built up about myself. Or, that it’s just not the right thing to post. I don’t really follow that “Post as if your grandma is reading,” because she’s never going to be on the internet. I’m sure from yesterday’s post and some post I’ve made on twitter, I managed to push through.
This strange type of flare up happened again today. This time it has to do with family.
My husband was recently contacted by his more conservative cousins from out-of-state. It’s really interesting hearing from them. They appear to have wholesome lives. Well, seeing them, since it’s through Facebook chatting. I began to wonder if I would have to hold myself back in order to make a good impression. I don’t want that.
My mother, uncle, and grandmother know 90% of the type of person I am. They know of my temper, my free thinking, and my medicinal habits. These cousins are new and aren’t completely aware of how my husband and I are. We don’t adhere to a ‘faith.’ We judge action, not appearance. We don’t hang all outside with our 40s and gin with juice (i don’t drink, the husband prefers Paul Masson), while I’m cornrowing our children’s hair and listening to the latest drama by Bombquiesha and Ashtray.
I’m afraid of showing that side to anyone. It’s not who I am, but it’s where I came from.
I just want to indulge in my dreams and passions without having to censor myself. I mean sure, there’s the common sense sensory, but I want to work on my brand without feeling embarrassed when I get wind that my in-laws are reading my blog and tweet feed.
But then I had to think about it, isn’t that what being a Californian is about? To do what’s new and happening? I’ve always seen on tv shows how the cousin from L.A. is always doing all this crazy stuff, and seem to have forgotten general etiquette. It’s weird for me because I’ve lived in Sacramento all of my life and even though a lot of stereotypes about Cali is true, it doesn’t apply to me. Maybe I should just give myself a little wiggle room.